Jon Is Unrad (swallow_my_love) wrote,
Jon Is Unrad

I have to do what I feel is necessary for my well being.

Either I have lost my head, entirely, or I have had the most amazing life experience. Whichever the case may be I'm not sure that I am well equipped to handle it. I need to take a break. To gather my wits I guess. It's just that I can't be sure I haven't lost my sanity, and I wish I could be.

I've thought that the happenings might be an elaborate hoax, executed by people that I hold dearly as friends. We have been through such tremendous loss together, and for this I am so sorry. I've thought it must be my imagination. Maybe everything that's happened fucked me up. Seriously, I know I have had enough physical evidence presented to realize this is not so, but clearly I am left with some doubt. It doesn't change that I love you guys. I do know I'm not alone in this. And with all of my heart I hope that you are all holding up.

Laura, girl of my dreams. I realize that my love for you will be unreturned, for this life and the next. I do know that you love me, as your friend, a brother, but it's not any less painful to try to come to terms with. Etienne is fucking awesome, and I sincerely want you two happy together. I wish I could have been your mother this time around. I will always love you, for the rest of my life. I'm not ashamed to admit this. I want you to know I will be back, and I will have dealt with this. We are friends for life. Threads.

Etienne, take care of her. I don't even have to say that man, I know you will. J said you can't remember anything. Let me tell you this, I've seen you THERE. Ben is the only one who hasn't come. He's not doing very well. But even if you think I am a fucking psycho Etienne, I have seen you there. I've seen Jeff. J. My grandpa. I want so much to know that this is real dude.

I have to take off for a little while. Take a break to gather my senses. Figure out if I need to be committed. At this point my family is leading towards yes. I love all of you. I will be OK, and I will be back.
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